A Great Source of Entertainment

Written by H :)

So I should have been reading my finance chapters and preparing for my quiz tomorrow, but I decided to do something much more productive and entertaining instead. I recently discovered the joy of finding women on craigslist. Craigslist offers people great opportunities when it comes to entertaining oneself. I decided to reply to numerous posts hoping to get replies. The following are actual e-mail messages I sent to desperate women looking for hung men, muscular men and sensitive men. Enjoy.

Hi NYU girl,

I stumbled upon your posting on craigslist and decided that I needed to immediately contact you. Sadly I am not one of those muscular guys that you are looking for. I am a thin weak individual who is looking for a woman who can lift more than I can. I can currently bench roughly 65 lbs and do not expect to be able to lift more than that anytime soon. I am dedicated to becoming as weak as I can possibly be so I have not been eating anything except carrots and cucumbers for the past three months. If overweight men are a concern of yours, you need not worry as I weigh an impressive 93lbs. Please reply if you are interested in chatting and exchanging pictures. If you want to see pictures of my penis I would be uncomfortable as it is extremely small and unimpressive. But it's true what they say, it's all about the motion in the ocean.


Hi Joanna, (describes herself as an Italian woman in the post)

I came across your post this afternoon and found it pertinent that I contact you immediately. First of all let me begin by saying that I am very attracted to tall African American women. Considering that I have an unusually large penis, tall women seem to be the only women that can handle take the whole thing. I have measure my penis multiple times and it ranges between 8.5 and 9 inches in length. The circumference is roughly 7 inches and it is shaped like a banana that curves to the right, my right. I would send you pictures of myself but there are so many fakes online that I need you to respond to this question, "What is the square root of 89203?". Please contact me as soon as possible my african love bug.

Hi Stranger,

After coming across your picture and posting on craigslist I felt compelled to write you a message. I am very sexually inexperienced but would love to improve on my love making abilities. Although I do not find you especially attractive I think that I can make an exception and give you a chance to have sex with me. I am willing to try almost anything in the bedroom except for anything that involves pooping on your chest. If you want to poop on my chest that will be fine, the kinkier the better. Currently I am unemployed and am collecting unemployment benefits and don't plan on finding a job anything soon. That being said I have lots of time to give you a chance to prove yourself to me. If you plan on meeting me for sexual experiences please do not shave your vagina. I like an extremely hairy vagina. I share a two bedroom apartment with four guys, two of which are drug addicts and they are always here. But since they are so out of it you can rest assured that they will not even notice if you drop by for a good time. I hope to hear from you soon. In case you were wondering my penis is almost four inches when erect and three inches in circumference. But it's all about the motion in the ocean babe

Hi Girl,

Your posting on craigslist is one of the most original ones that I have stumbled across. Sadly I am horribly unattractive but I have a great personality. When I was in my early teens I started loosing my hair and lost it all by the time I was 16. I am five foot two and I have a somewhat stocky build, but what's impressive is my penis. Unlike the rest of my body it is relatively normal looking. Besides being much smaller than average, much much smaller like a little over three inches, it looks perfect. I've glanced at pictures of men's penises from time to time and mine is one of a kind. It is perfectly proportioned and I dress him up with different costumes on lonely evenings. One time I put on a condom with a cape on it and ran around my apartment playing imaginary games with myself. Sadly my window blinds were up and two of my neighbors witnessed the whole event. Regardless they were surely impressed by the superpenis that was flying around the apartment. If you want to get to know me better contact me ASAP as I am in high demand here in Stillwater. I expect to hear from you soon!

Hi Ladylover, (says she wants a man with an imagination)

Imagine yourself walking in an open field, tall majestic mountains in the background, and a beautiful river on both sides of you. A handsome dark tall prince rides up and swoops you off of your feet and takes you to his castle. There he imprisons you and turns into a hob goblin! This hob goblin has plans to turn you into a cockroach but he has yet to prepare the potion to do so. While you sit trapped in a tower on the east end of the castle you devise a plan of escape. The hob goblin stands barely over two feet and his physique is anything but impressive. So you decide that you can fight him when he opens the door. Sure enough the door opens and the hob goblin is standing there with a potion in his hands, he is about to say something when you lunge at him and gouge his eyes out. Crying and helpless on the floor the hob goblin explains that he is actually a prince who has been doomed to constantly shape shift. He had just found the potion that would cure the spell cast upon him by Ongar the Wizard from Nookerlittle. You stand there in disbelief as he consumes the potion and transforms into a beautiful prince, the tall dark prince that rode up in the first place. But with his eyes torn out of his sockets he bleeds to death. Contact me if this turns you on

Asteroid Will Kill Us All

Written by Rasta Pasta

(above) an actual photograph of an asteroid striking Earth in the year 2347. Thanks to RoboKat Model X58 for sending this to me via time-machine.

Yep that’s right you read correctly. An asteroid the size of Texas will crash into Earth sometime in the near future, we’ll all die slow painful deaths, and cockroaches- the only surviving species- will fist pump on our graves to the R.E.M. tune of “it’s the end of the world as we know it.” Somewhere in hell I’ll be telling the 3 of you who follow this blog “I told you so.”

The National Academy of Sciences has just announced that the new federal budget has significantly reduced funding for a NASA program that detects and tracks mammoth asteroids that could potentially extinguish life on Earth. It is suspected that with the new budget restrictions, 90% of Earth threatening asteroids will go undetected. If Hollywood has taught us anything, its that financial oversights of this magnitude always return to bite us in the ass, and usually results with the protagonist holding his head in his hands screaming, “Why?!?! Why!?!? Why didn’t I tip the postman on Christmas morning?!?” (As the postman turned zombie-clown signs the protagonist up for the following magazine subscriptions: Home and Garden, Modern Asphalt, Cross Stitch Crazy, Military Grocer, Newtsweek, Catfish Insider, Elevator World, The Trombonist, Accountancy Matters, Emu Today and Tomorrow, Bingo Bugle, The Journal of Plankton Research, The Quarterly Bulletin of the National Vegetable Society, and Miniature Donkey Talk)

(above) A cover of Bingo Bugle, this magazine is actually really good

What I’m trying to say is this: Sure, if a global killer the size of Rosie O'Donnell is found on track to strike Earth, it probably won’t make much difference whether or not we detect it a day or week before hand. However, at least it’ll give me enough time to punch my father-in-law in the face, make a sandwich out of everything in the fridge, and maybe find time to embrace religion. Maybe. Oh yeah, and if anyone volunteers to fly an untested prototype space shuttle, escape from an exploding space station, use the Moon’s gravity to slingshot behind the asteroid, land on it, drill a hole to its core while battling hurricane force winds and battering asteroid debris, then manually detonate a thermonuclear device just in the nick of time to save us all… well, it would be nice to give that guy a few extra moments to say goodbye to his super hot daughter, right?

I’m no expert on Congressional decisions to cut or expand our federal budget. However, as a taxpayer, I’m just suggesting that maybe we rethink eliminating funding for projects meant to preserve life on Earth. Nobody wants to hear me say “I told you so.”

(above) President Barack Obama thinks "FML" after failing to protect America from asteroids and pass Health care Reform

In Other News: Congress reduces Postman Pay… Magazine subscriptions surge