a Mad Mad Word: Asteroid Will Kill Us All

Written by Rasta Pasta

(above) an actual photograph of an asteroid striking Earth in the year 2347. Thanks to RoboKat Model X58 for sending this to me via time-machine.

Yep that’s right you read correctly. An asteroid the size of Texas will crash into Earth sometime in the near future, we’ll all die slow painful deaths, and cockroaches- the only surviving species- will fist pump on our graves to the R.E.M. tune of “it’s the end of the world as we know it.” Somewhere in hell I’ll be telling the 3 of you who follow this blog “I told you so.”

The National Academy of Sciences has just announced that the new federal budget has significantly reduced funding for a NASA program that detects and tracks mammoth asteroids that could potentially extinguish life on Earth. It is suspected that with the new budget restrictions, 90% of Earth threatening asteroids will go undetected. If Hollywood has taught us anything, its that financial oversights of this magnitude always return to bite us in the ass, and usually results with the protagonist holding his head in his hands screaming, “Why?!?! Why!?!? Why didn’t I tip the postman on Christmas morning?!?” (As the postman turned zombie-clown signs the protagonist up for the following magazine subscriptions: Home and Garden, Modern Asphalt, Cross Stitch Crazy, Military Grocer, Newtsweek, Catfish Insider, Elevator World, The Trombonist, Accountancy Matters, Emu Today and Tomorrow, Bingo Bugle, The Journal of Plankton Research, The Quarterly Bulletin of the National Vegetable Society, and Miniature Donkey Talk)

(above) A cover of Bingo Bugle, this magazine is actually really good

What I’m trying to say is this: Sure, if a global killer the size of Rosie O'Donnell is found on track to strike Earth, it probably won’t make much difference whether or not we detect it a day or week before hand. However, at least it’ll give me enough time to punch my father-in-law in the face, make a sandwich out of everything in the fridge, and maybe find time to embrace religion. Maybe. Oh yeah, and if anyone volunteers to fly an untested prototype space shuttle, escape from an exploding space station, use the Moon’s gravity to slingshot behind the asteroid, land on it, drill a hole to its core while battling hurricane force winds and battering asteroid debris, then manually detonate a thermonuclear device just in the nick of time to save us all… well, it would be nice to give that guy a few extra moments to say goodbye to his super hot daughter, right?

I’m no expert on Congressional decisions to cut or expand our federal budget. However, as a taxpayer, I’m just suggesting that maybe we rethink eliminating funding for projects meant to preserve life on Earth. Nobody wants to hear me say “I told you so.”