(above) Erin and Julia; I never understood the resemblance. I mean you have Erin, a middle-aged woman past her prime and with cleavage; and you have Julia a middle-aged woman past her prime and with cleavage. Oh, now I get it.
When we last left our heroine she had just saved the small town residents of Hinkley, California from a contaminated underground water source responsible for triple nipple mutation syndrome. Nevermind that the name Erin Brockovich meant nothing to the two nipple world outside of Hinkley; when Universal Pictures produced a full-length motion picture of the same name in 2000; 5 Oscar nods, one win for Best Actress Julia Roberts, and $256 million in ticket sales later, “Erin Brockovich,” the hardworking single-mother of three, armed with brains, boob, and another boob imbedded herself in American pop culture lore. The charming, perky, defender of wronged mutants subsequently rose from obscurity to form her own consulting firm, receive
(right) A child and resident of Hinkley California grimaces in pain from the effects of the contaminated water source. Will someone please think of the children!an honorary doctorate from Loyola Marymount University, host several cable television specials, and presumably live happily ever after. Ah good ole Hollywood, so formulated are the story lines, so predictable are the outcomes, yet the willing public continues to fuel the money making enterprise without lull. And then beg for a sequel.
Enter: The environment. Back from the dead with a ferocious vengeance; the unrelenting need to poison human beings too much to suppress for long. The plot line: A carbon copy of Episode I. A small town (Harriman, Tennessee) falls victim to another industrial corporation’s negligence. A dam holding back billions of gallons of coal ash breaks and the small hillside landscape of Harriman transforms into a monstrous ash tray. Months later the town residents claim to have grown tentacles and call in Erin Brockovich to clean up the mess.
(above) Aerial photography of before and after the Harriman coal ash spill. Can you guess which is which? Somebody run to Walmart and buy some OxiClean and paper towels. Will someone please think of the children!Its been called the worst environmental disaster in United States history, I prefer to think of it as the Tennessee Chernobyl Massacre, but nobody else in the world will care until Universal Pictures decides to produce a movie sequel. But before Julia Roberts dons the push up bra again, here are a few suggestions for improving the sequel:
(left) Erin couldn't do all the work on her own. She called in a Transformer to help.1) The plot line for the sequel is too similar to the original. Spruce the story up a bit by incorporating a love interest between Erin and Swamp Thing.
2) Find a cameo role for that kid who plays McLovin in “Superbad.” That guy is money!
3) In an unexpected plot twist: Kill off Erin Brockovich. Then, make Erin Brockovich III and have the opening scene consist of Erin rising from bed proclaiming, “Phew! It was all a dream!”
4) Change the time and setting to post apocalyptic Earth 2057. People always dig the terrifying future thing.
5) Never make this movie. For God's sake think of the children!
In other news: Erin Brockovich finds triple nipple hot.
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