2012 - Solved

By Leluu Multipass

If one were to type 2012 into google the sponsored link relays you to a multi-linguistic website offering a free book with proclamations and hand-waved evidence of fulfilled prophecy. Any rational person would read the final few sentences of the home page and quickly realize the true goal of this operation and how much horseshit is piled up in the process.

"...and realize that Ronald Weinland has been sent by God as His end-time prophet.
This book is primarily directed to the people of the three major religions of the world (Islam, Judaism and Christianity), whose roots are in the God of Abraham. Ronald Weinland has been sent to all three."

My first instinct is to ask how this even exists. Anyone can poor money into a bottomless pit, but for it to be a business venture that pit has to spit back more than you throw in. So, first step is to know the market; know your target audience. This is where it gets scary...

In 1997 and 2007 the Associated Press released surveys which revealed that 24%/25% of American adults anticipate the second coming of Jesus Christ within their lifetime. Sarah Palin is one of these people.


It gets even scarier when you look at a question in a poll conducted by Newsweek magazine in 1998. "Do you believe Jesus will return to Earth within the next one thousand years, or not?"

========= All ==== C ==== Non-C
Yes ............... 52 ....... 58 ......... 20
No .................. 19 ....... 14 ......... 46
Don't know ..... 29 ....... 28 ......... 34

674 of the 806 polled were christian [C].

The correct answer is no one can return from death. The next best answer is there is no way of knowing when. But all jokes aside... as idiotic as the concept may be, this man Ronald Weinland is really a genius for cultivating such ignorance. Even if one were to subtract say 10% (which is absurdly high) for combined question/counting/sampling expansion error, you have a HUGE target audience.

This goes for all 2012 hysteria/hype. If you dig deep enough you'll find that behind all the prophetic movements there are selfish motives which completely discredit all the hearsay and horseshit.

So what will happen on December 21st, 2012 11:11 GMT? The short answer is absolutely nothing. The long answer is this:


This is galactic alignment. The earth and sun on this solstice will be lined up with the Milky Way's equator, although not perfectly. Actually... although this equator is arbitrary due to the non-uniform clumping of stars, this "perfect" alignment was actually observed in 1998. In fact, the sun crosses the galactic plane twice every year, only recently coincidentally near the solstices. The Mayan 26,000 year cycle describes the movement of the solstice position around our sky. Every 26,000 years there is a 36 year period where due to the precession of the earth, the December solstice sun crosses through the galactic equator. This began in 1980 (1998 - 36/2) and will end in 2016. This is the "2012 period" and was remarkably well estimated by the Mayans, and the difference in dates is simply due to the arbitrary nature of the equator.

But wait...
it's Jesus!


If you want a good laugh you should read Weinland bio page.

Students Lose when Parents Decide

by Rasta Pasta



It was Career Day at America School and the classrooms were filled with an eclectic mix of students and parents. The parents were there to speak about their professions; to represent the endless possibilities on a path of valued education. A firefighter stood in-front of one classroom and spoke of the excitement and danger that he faces everyday. He shared stories of fighting wildfires, the brotherhood between his colleagues, and taught the stop-drop-and-roll. He ended his speech by addressing the students, “If you study hard, you can be anything you want to be; a firefighter like me, or even the President of the United States.” The students and parents applauded. The teacher thanked him on behalf of everybody present. The parents all nodded in agreement. Next, a doctor spoke of long shifts and difficult surgeries, but how ultimately the reward of being able to save a life makes everything worthwhile. She let the students use her stethoscope to hear their heartbeats, and concluded by saying, “if you work hard and receive a good education, you can be anything you want to be; a doctor like me, or the President of the United States.” The teacher thanked her for taking time out of her busy schedule to speak. The parents nodded in agreement. Then, the President stood up and picked up where the doctor had left off. He began by saying, “By valuing your education, any one of you can be like me, the President of the United States.” His words were met with silence. The classroom was empty. The parents had removed themselves and taken the kids with them.

A Great Source of Entertainment

Written by H :)

So I should have been reading my finance chapters and preparing for my quiz tomorrow, but I decided to do something much more productive and entertaining instead. I recently discovered the joy of finding women on craigslist. Craigslist offers people great opportunities when it comes to entertaining oneself. I decided to reply to numerous posts hoping to get replies. The following are actual e-mail messages I sent to desperate women looking for hung men, muscular men and sensitive men. Enjoy.

Hi NYU girl,

I stumbled upon your posting on craigslist and decided that I needed to immediately contact you. Sadly I am not one of those muscular guys that you are looking for. I am a thin weak individual who is looking for a woman who can lift more than I can. I can currently bench roughly 65 lbs and do not expect to be able to lift more than that anytime soon. I am dedicated to becoming as weak as I can possibly be so I have not been eating anything except carrots and cucumbers for the past three months. If overweight men are a concern of yours, you need not worry as I weigh an impressive 93lbs. Please reply if you are interested in chatting and exchanging pictures. If you want to see pictures of my penis I would be uncomfortable as it is extremely small and unimpressive. But it's true what they say, it's all about the motion in the ocean.


Hi Joanna, (describes herself as an Italian woman in the post)

I came across your post this afternoon and found it pertinent that I contact you immediately. First of all let me begin by saying that I am very attracted to tall African American women. Considering that I have an unusually large penis, tall women seem to be the only women that can handle take the whole thing. I have measure my penis multiple times and it ranges between 8.5 and 9 inches in length. The circumference is roughly 7 inches and it is shaped like a banana that curves to the right, my right. I would send you pictures of myself but there are so many fakes online that I need you to respond to this question, "What is the square root of 89203?". Please contact me as soon as possible my african love bug.

Hi Stranger,

After coming across your picture and posting on craigslist I felt compelled to write you a message. I am very sexually inexperienced but would love to improve on my love making abilities. Although I do not find you especially attractive I think that I can make an exception and give you a chance to have sex with me. I am willing to try almost anything in the bedroom except for anything that involves pooping on your chest. If you want to poop on my chest that will be fine, the kinkier the better. Currently I am unemployed and am collecting unemployment benefits and don't plan on finding a job anything soon. That being said I have lots of time to give you a chance to prove yourself to me. If you plan on meeting me for sexual experiences please do not shave your vagina. I like an extremely hairy vagina. I share a two bedroom apartment with four guys, two of which are drug addicts and they are always here. But since they are so out of it you can rest assured that they will not even notice if you drop by for a good time. I hope to hear from you soon. In case you were wondering my penis is almost four inches when erect and three inches in circumference. But it's all about the motion in the ocean babe

Hi Girl,

Your posting on craigslist is one of the most original ones that I have stumbled across. Sadly I am horribly unattractive but I have a great personality. When I was in my early teens I started loosing my hair and lost it all by the time I was 16. I am five foot two and I have a somewhat stocky build, but what's impressive is my penis. Unlike the rest of my body it is relatively normal looking. Besides being much smaller than average, much much smaller like a little over three inches, it looks perfect. I've glanced at pictures of men's penises from time to time and mine is one of a kind. It is perfectly proportioned and I dress him up with different costumes on lonely evenings. One time I put on a condom with a cape on it and ran around my apartment playing imaginary games with myself. Sadly my window blinds were up and two of my neighbors witnessed the whole event. Regardless they were surely impressed by the superpenis that was flying around the apartment. If you want to get to know me better contact me ASAP as I am in high demand here in Stillwater. I expect to hear from you soon!

Hi Ladylover, (says she wants a man with an imagination)

Imagine yourself walking in an open field, tall majestic mountains in the background, and a beautiful river on both sides of you. A handsome dark tall prince rides up and swoops you off of your feet and takes you to his castle. There he imprisons you and turns into a hob goblin! This hob goblin has plans to turn you into a cockroach but he has yet to prepare the potion to do so. While you sit trapped in a tower on the east end of the castle you devise a plan of escape. The hob goblin stands barely over two feet and his physique is anything but impressive. So you decide that you can fight him when he opens the door. Sure enough the door opens and the hob goblin is standing there with a potion in his hands, he is about to say something when you lunge at him and gouge his eyes out. Crying and helpless on the floor the hob goblin explains that he is actually a prince who has been doomed to constantly shape shift. He had just found the potion that would cure the spell cast upon him by Ongar the Wizard from Nookerlittle. You stand there in disbelief as he consumes the potion and transforms into a beautiful prince, the tall dark prince that rode up in the first place. But with his eyes torn out of his sockets he bleeds to death. Contact me if this turns you on

Asteroid Will Kill Us All

Written by Rasta Pasta

(above) an actual photograph of an asteroid striking Earth in the year 2347. Thanks to RoboKat Model X58 for sending this to me via time-machine.

Yep that’s right you read correctly. An asteroid the size of Texas will crash into Earth sometime in the near future, we’ll all die slow painful deaths, and cockroaches- the only surviving species- will fist pump on our graves to the R.E.M. tune of “it’s the end of the world as we know it.” Somewhere in hell I’ll be telling the 3 of you who follow this blog “I told you so.”

The National Academy of Sciences has just announced that the new federal budget has significantly reduced funding for a NASA program that detects and tracks mammoth asteroids that could potentially extinguish life on Earth. It is suspected that with the new budget restrictions, 90% of Earth threatening asteroids will go undetected. If Hollywood has taught us anything, its that financial oversights of this magnitude always return to bite us in the ass, and usually results with the protagonist holding his head in his hands screaming, “Why?!?! Why!?!? Why didn’t I tip the postman on Christmas morning?!?” (As the postman turned zombie-clown signs the protagonist up for the following magazine subscriptions: Home and Garden, Modern Asphalt, Cross Stitch Crazy, Military Grocer, Newtsweek, Catfish Insider, Elevator World, The Trombonist, Accountancy Matters, Emu Today and Tomorrow, Bingo Bugle, The Journal of Plankton Research, The Quarterly Bulletin of the National Vegetable Society, and Miniature Donkey Talk)

(above) A cover of Bingo Bugle, this magazine is actually really good

What I’m trying to say is this: Sure, if a global killer the size of Rosie O'Donnell is found on track to strike Earth, it probably won’t make much difference whether or not we detect it a day or week before hand. However, at least it’ll give me enough time to punch my father-in-law in the face, make a sandwich out of everything in the fridge, and maybe find time to embrace religion. Maybe. Oh yeah, and if anyone volunteers to fly an untested prototype space shuttle, escape from an exploding space station, use the Moon’s gravity to slingshot behind the asteroid, land on it, drill a hole to its core while battling hurricane force winds and battering asteroid debris, then manually detonate a thermonuclear device just in the nick of time to save us all… well, it would be nice to give that guy a few extra moments to say goodbye to his super hot daughter, right?

I’m no expert on Congressional decisions to cut or expand our federal budget. However, as a taxpayer, I’m just suggesting that maybe we rethink eliminating funding for projects meant to preserve life on Earth. Nobody wants to hear me say “I told you so.”

(above) President Barack Obama thinks "FML" after failing to protect America from asteroids and pass Health care Reform

In Other News: Congress reduces Postman Pay… Magazine subscriptions surge

The S Word

Written by: Leluu Multipass

Since sustainability affects all of us, I thought it would be a fitting topic to center my first blog post around. In the millions of years life has evolved on our planet no single species has had the ecological impact we have had, the exception being early life forms that converted our atmosphere into an oxygen rich environment suitable for more diverse life. This process was of course a catalyst for life. Our history of ecological impact however is full of disregard for life, from mass deforestation to hunting to the point of extinction. Slowly but surely we have come to realize that our actions have significant consequences on our surroundings and in turn ourselves. Since we know through evolutionary biology fueled by Charles Darwin, and substantiated by the discovery and sequencing of DNA, that we quite literally are related to every life form on this planet, and through advances in astronomy we can see how improbable our existence is and how insignificant we are in the vastness of the cosmos, the only next step in my humble opinion is to be stewards of earth and the existence of all life. Enter stage right sustainability.


We are now entering an age where the short-term is no longer single handedly a decider, and the long-term holistic view of the consequences of our actions takes center stage. We have a responsibility to embrace sustainability as a way of life. Ideally, embracing sustainability involves living in such a manner that our actions merely constitute facets of the Earth’s many cycles, maintaining and nurturing those cycles for the wellbeing of all biological systems, to meet the needs of the present without compromising the needs of the future. In short, to live within our means. Some aspects of sustainability are undeniably crucial, such as the conservation of resources through the three R’s: reduce, reuse, recycle, the development and implementation of renewable energy sources, and the decline of our habitual meat consumption. Other aspects are heavily debated in the scientific community.

One such topic is the continued use of genetically modified crops. Proponents of the scientific breakthroughs that fueled the green revolution argue that higher yields per square acre, lesser need for pesticides, and the enabling of no-till farming justify the use. Others argue that biodiversity is a very important part of our ecosystem and mass proliferation of GM crops endangers our biodiversity. GM crops require synthetic fertilizers and pesticides, and the continued purchase of seeds, causing farmers who convert from subsistence farming to cash crops to fall into unmanageable debt. The long-term effect of tinkering with gnomes is not fully understood, but supporters argue that we have been tinkering ever since domestication of plants first occurred and genetic engineering is simply a more precise side of the same coin.

Nuclear power has always been a hot topic of debate. On the one hand you have a completely clean source of energy, and the ever essential baseload electricity production. Hydroelectricity is the only other renewable that produces baseload, with future prospects being space solar and fusion, both being many decades away. Many see it as a gateway technology to fossil fuel independence, phasing it out as renewables become more prolific and efficient. On the other hand you have the issue of highly radioactive waste and well documented cases all over the world of increased cancer rates, birth defects and other radiation related deaths simply being in the proximity of facilities. Chernobyl’s affect was so widespread that thyroid cancers doubled in the whole of France! In northeastern France liver and lung cancer rates have gone up by 182%/120% and 225%/272% in women and men respectively. Similar problems were felt throughout Europe. Dealing with the waste is one of the longest-term projects humans have ever attempted to tackle. To call endeavors such as the Yucca Mountain project ‘solutions’ would be blasphemous to the definition of the word. At best they can be described as an inadequate counter of the symptoms. The issues just continue to mount and build upon themselves, but the timeline of climate change and the impending problems associated have the potential to be far worse.

Continued urbanization is seen by many environmentalists as a growing problem because the people in cities tend to use more energy per capita and therefore contribute more toward global warming. Cramped lifestyles lead to less and less vegetation which leads to high import rates of food, both of which contribute to global warming, and water issues as a whole escalate exponentially. Other environmentalists argue that the birthrate of new urban dwellers immediately drops to ‘replacement level’ (2 children per mother) and continues to drop, and that the best way to keep our population in check is through urban development and city migration. They also believe that the cramped lifestyles actually reduce carbon emissions because traveling vertically in an elevator instead of horizontally along a commute and within suburbs is much more energy efficient. Another advantage is the higher rates of public transportation in cities.


There are many debates revolving around sustainability. Luckily, a lot of these are simply out of our reach. What we all should concentrate on is the conservation of our own resources and energy, conscientious consumption, and bringing awareness to the issues and informing others of our intimate interconnectedness.

On a lighter note…
Why I hate Fox News:

Reason One
Reason Two
Reason Three

Written by: H :(



Anyone who has a dog can tell you that the old saying that a dog is a man’s best friend is definitely true. My dog has essentially become part of my family, he has his Christmas stocking with his name on it and sometimes gets more gifts than anyone else. Although my parents intended on our dog being the families, it didn’t turn out that way. Maybe it was because I gave him skittles or because I played with him the most, but the family dog became my dog and one of my best friends. And as more and more time passes I realize how good of a friend he has been.

He’s been chilling with me for over thirteen years and is coming to the end of his time. I was told that the hardest part of owning a dog is watching him pass away. When his time comes I will undoubtedly be very upset and depressed. But like any good friend I will celebrate his time with me. When I go fishing he sits by me waiting for me to catch a fish. When I sleep he guards my door and warns me if anyone gets near my door. And when I eat he begs like he always has and knows he’s getting a piece of steak when no one is looking.

So before he goes I figured I’d let the world know how great of a guy he has been. Although he didn’t exactly change the world, he did help shape my world. I’ll hate to see him go, but he’s embarking on the greatest journey of his existence and I need to let him go. I’ll miss having my own little guard dog and a loyal fishing buddy, but at least I can say that I had one of the greatest friends in the world.

Cars and Women

Written By: H :) SMJ




The other day I was describing to Rasta Pasta how pleased I was with the tints that I got for my car. As I was admiring her as she basked in the midday sun I realized that Lois, my car, is a lot like a woman. Even choosing a car is like picking someone up for the first time. Imagine if car dealerships were like night clubs for cars. You go over to the dealership and you look around for a car that you think is hot. No one goes to a dealership and thinks to themselves, “I’m gonna find a really ugly car”. Even when you are working with a small budget, the car you choose will be something you like. Similarly, if you go to the club you are looking for someone hot and you gotta work with the resources you have.

Once you’ve found the car that you are interested in being with. The first thing you want to do is get inside her on a regular basis, like a good woman. And the best way to do that is to take her on a date, a test drive or two, to make sure that you like the way she moves. After the date you still have to find some more information about the car before you commit to the relationship. So you’ll look up her history, carfax for a car or facebook for a girl. These resources can let you know if she crashed, had multiple partners, and any other problems that you’d rather not be yours.

After she’s purchased, you introduce her to all of your friends (If she’s hot). Every guy secretly likes it when their girlfriend is hotter than other guys’ girlfriends, and it works the same way with cars. Cars are also like women when it comes to issues regarding money. The more money that you spend on your car on a regular basis to keep her happy, the better she’ll make you feel. Neglecting a car or a woman will bring you undue hardship and before you know it she could even be breaking down on you.

Directionless Boredom

Directionless boredom – a term I once read to describe the working lives of most middle to upper-middle class corporate employees. This seemed to strike a strong chord in me, ringing a little too close to home.

Here I was having spent the last three days, twenty-two and a half hours, or more specifically, 1,350 excruciatingly long minutes trying to make the clock tick faster… It didn’t work and it never does.

Having been at this job for the last year you would think I would have achieved a lot – that I was productive. The truth is I wasn’t. I was easily expendable, but for that matter so was half my department. For all the endless meetings, the constant arsenal of emails attacking my inbox, and the overly excited “how are ya’s?” of co-workers, not much was actually being achieved. It was all an illusion, an act. Despite every employee’s assertion as to how busy they were, I simply wasn’t buying it.

The truth is, the “I’m so busy” knee-jerk response of corporate employees bears a striking resemblance to the individual who will reply that he is fine, well, good, dandy, or any other synonym proudly portraying his contentment despite the fact that he may be torn up inside. Just as the questioner will be shocked by a rare honest answer, such as “I’m awful,” so will the corporate employee who hears from his co-workers that not only is he not busy, but rather he has all the time in the world.

Erin Brockovich II: The Environment Strikes Back

Written by: Rasta Pasta


(above) Erin and Julia; I never understood the resemblance. I mean you have Erin, a middle-aged woman past her prime and with cleavage; and you have Julia a middle-aged woman past her prime and with cleavage. Oh, now I get it.

When we last left our heroine she had just saved the small town residents of Hinkley, California from a contaminated underground water source responsible for triple nipple mutation syndrome. Nevermind that the name Erin Brockovich meant nothing to the two nipple world outside of Hinkley; when Universal Pictures produced a full-length motion picture of the same name in 2000; 5 Oscar nods, one win for Best Actress Julia Roberts, and $256 million in ticket sales later, “Erin Brockovich,” the hardworking single-mother of three, armed with brains, boob, and another boob imbedded herself in American pop culture lore. The charming, perky, defender of wronged mutants subsequently rose from obscurity to form her own consulting firm, receive

(right) A child and resident of Hinkley California grimaces in pain from the effects of the contaminated water source. Will someone please think of the children!

an honorary doctorate from Loyola Marymount University, host several cable television specials, and presumably live happily ever after. Ah good ole Hollywood, so formulated are the story lines, so predictable are the outcomes, yet the willing public continues to fuel the money making enterprise without lull. And then beg for a sequel.

Enter: The environment. Back from the dead with a ferocious vengeance; the unrelenting need to poison human beings too much to suppress for long. The plot line: A carbon copy of Episode I. A small town (Harriman, Tennessee) falls victim to another industrial corporation’s negligence. A dam holding back billions of gallons of coal ash breaks and the small hillside landscape of Harriman transforms into a monstrous ash tray. Months later the town residents claim to have grown tentacles and call in Erin Brockovich to clean up the mess.

(above) Aerial photography of before and after the Harriman coal ash spill. Can you guess which is which? Somebody run to Walmart and buy some OxiClean and paper towels. Will someone please think of the children!

Its been called the worst environmental disaster in United States history, I prefer to think of it as the Tennessee Chernobyl Massacre, but nobody else in the world will care until Universal Pictures decides to produce a movie sequel. But before Julia Roberts dons the push up bra again, here are a few suggestions for improving the sequel:

(left) Erin couldn't do all the work on her own. She called in a Transformer to help.

1) The plot line for the sequel is too similar to the original. Spruce the story up a bit by incorporating a love interest between Erin and Swamp Thing.

2) Find a cameo role for that kid who plays McLovin in “Superbad.” That guy is money!

3) In an unexpected plot twist: Kill off Erin Brockovich. Then, make Erin Brockovich III and have the opening scene consist of Erin rising from bed proclaiming, “Phew! It was all a dream!”

4) Change the time and setting to post apocalyptic Earth 2057. People always dig the terrifying future thing.

5) Never make this movie. For God's sake think of the children!

In other news: Erin Brockovich finds triple nipple hot.

North Korea Attacks US, South Korean “Space”

Written by: Rasta Pasta

Real people in every corner of the real world have been shocked, shivered, and pissing their pants at the pretense that North Korea may be on the verge of birthing World War III. Now, some sources believe that cyber people have reason to fear as well. South Korean media sources are pointing the finger at North Korean “cyber warfare units” as the culprit behind recent attacks on United States’ and South Korean government websites.

(above) North Korea's Great Leader, Kim Jung-Il, looking fashionable in his North Face Windbreaker and dead Chewbacca hat

The supposed cyber space attack follows a disturbing trend of provocation by North Korean forces that include: the launching of a deadly “communications satellite” -which in Korean translates to Intercontinental Ballistic Missile- meant to broadcast terrible Korean soap operas to the free world; the capture and imprisonment of US journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling–who were later forced to dance the “Thriller”; the renunciation of the cease-fire armistice that ended the Korean War and popular television show M*A*S*H; the vocal opinion that additional UN sanctions, boat inspections, or annoyance by Whale Wars operatives would be viewed as a declaration of war; and finally the launch of yet more missiles - or “short range communication satellites” in Korean.

(right) Laura Ling dances to "Thriller"; she is in the third row, second from the right wearing orange. Unfortunately Euna Lee was not good enough for the final round of auditions

Ogre McOgreson, a World of Warcraft devotee, had this to say about the latest harassment by North Korea: “When will enough be enough? I spend 26 hours a day in my bomb shelter (garage at Mom’s house) in the Warcraft World to escape the horrors of the real world, and now I learn that I have to fear, not only for my physical being, but also for the part of me that really matters, my WoW avatar: Windsurfertreesexogremage. If I had my way, I would end things once and for all; by organizing an epic game of Starcraft (South Korea's National Sport) between the number one South Korean megastar: JaeDong, and one of Kim Jung-Il’s many Strarcraft -and Friends reruns- addicted sons, to settle the rightful owner of Korean soil.”

While Ogre McOgreson’s proposal for world peace may raise a few eyebrows, this blogger was too busy watching terrible Korean soap operas to take notice. It is yet to be revealed where North Korea’s next move will be. Some speculate that after an attack on the real and cyber worlds, logic points to the next attack falling on Furniture World.

In other news: Kim Jung-Il reinvents laughing.

Watch a good example of a terrible Korean soap opera